I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how our chosen family preps us queer people for holiday survival. And for people like us, we might be stepping away from the safety that our chosen family brings. So I wanted to provide some ideas on how to bring that queer strength with you. Especially when you walk through the door of your blood family’s house. There’s also some good ideas in here if you’re spending the holiday’s with that one special person, you.
Holiday Survival If You’re Flying Solo
- Personal – I like to eat out if I’m alone for the holidays. It puts me in a social situation where I’m with people, and yet treating myself. It’s a bit of self care without being shuttered. If touch is important to you, scheduling a massage or other treatment (nails, hair, etc) can do the same thing.
- Personal – Have a Friendsgiving or a holiday dinner with your chosen family. Just because you’re flying solo doesn’t mean that you can’t eat with your friends. This is a great excuse for a fabulous meal and a signature cocktail. Do it. And do it right.
- 10 Wands – Perform a ritual that releases your burdens. For example: write down all the oppressive things that are cluttering your mind on strips of paper and toss them in a jar. Pull them out one at a time and read it out loud. The next step is up to you and how you work. You have two choices. 1) Burn that strip of paper in a safe space while releasing that energy to the past so you make room for new energy for the future. 2) Write down an affirmation to counteract the burden and put it in another jar. One that you can reference during 2019 when you need a boost. Then toss the old burdens while releasing the energy to the past. BONUS – you can do both.
- Odin – Reflect on the sacrifice you’re making by going it alone right now. You’re giving up something in order to achieve a greater purpose. That’s self care and a holiday survival technique. And though it may seem selfish to others it’s truly about creating space so that you’re able to do for another. Especially in the long run.
- Aeon – You’re called to a greater purpose. Use this time to discover that purpose. You might meditate, utilize yoga, connect with guides, get a tarot reading, or perform other rituals that help you along the path of discovery.
Holiday Survival If You’re With Family
- Personal – Scope out a safe space. If things get overwhelming, know where you can go to decompress. That may mean having a hotel room and not staying at home. Or knowing where the nearest restaurant is so you can go have some time alone. Or like me, if you’re surrounded by forest, take a walk through the woods. But please let someone know where you are.
- Personal – Speaking of the healing power of a walk in the woods, you can take a walk almost anywhere. Remove yourself from a stressful situation and clear your heart and mind for a minute. When you hear the first, “that’s so gay,” and it’s a trigger – take a walk.
- Personal – Speaking of triggers, you may want to choose your battles. When you hear “that’s so gay” there may be an opportunity to correct them. If you know it’ll be received. Ask them what they meant by that and give them some alternatives to increase their vocabulary. And explaining why it’s hurtful to you can also reinforce the behavior change you’re looking for. ‘Cause now it’s personal.
- Personal – Pronouns are challenging for a lot of people. And most of the time it’s not malicious, it’s habit. If there’s no malintent, being forgiving will ensure your holiday survival. You’ve probably had years (or at least longer than the person who’s screwing up) with your pronoun. You’ve probably been surrounded by your chosen family who happily use your pronoun. Your blood family have probably had years of using the dead one. It’s habit to use. More than likely it’s not malicious, it’s unintentional. Gentle correction will keep the conversation going and go a lot further than demands. And if you’re going further than gender norms of s/he like using they/them or zir, these are foreign formations in most mouths. And if your pronouns have changed more than once, it’s confusing for people who aren’t with you every step of your journey. Bring them along with you. The more you can bring them into your life, the less you’ll blame them for not participating.
- Personal – Have an ally on call. There’s probably one cousin who’s your safety net. Go out for a drink together. Get away from the cray-cray. And if there’s no one close, ask a friend if they’d be on call for you so you can text or call if needed.
- Personal – Set boundaries for yourself. My husband taught me this holiday survival trick. TIME: plan how much time you will spend with your family. Then let them know so expectations are set. “I’ll stay one hour after dinner, then I have to get home.” It gives you and your family time to catch up and there’s limited stress or need for getting through the holiday because it’s finite. OTHERS BEHAVIOR: Prepare yourself ahead of time for what others may do. You do not need to defend yourself. Your choices are just that, yours. Ask others to respect them. I really like how boundaries are described in this article from a Chicago psychologist.
- Personal – Cry if you need to. Laugh when you want to.
- 10 Wands – YES! I drew it again. YES! I shuffled. When expectations of family are too much you have every right to step away. If you know that a family party or holiday light ride in the car is going to be triggering for you, you can opt out. Plan ahead for these moments and set others’ expectations. Let them know you’re not participating this year but also let them know where you will be joining in. It puts you in control of your holiday survival!
- Chief Seattle – You may find yourself being an advocate for the LGBTQ community just to force your queer holiday survival. But if that’s not you, sometimes resources can be provided to your family. Send them a link and give them context.
- Death – This holiday season, I encourage you to discover what you can release from your past so that you create new holiday traditions for the future. Instead of feeling like you have to survive the holidays you’ll look forward to them. Before evergreens were brought into our houses, they were surrounding the bonfires during Yule and other winters traditions. To me that’s a symbol of longevity, survival, and a sign of rebirth to come.
What survival recommendations do you have to share? Drop them in the comments below or tell me on Twitter!