Queer Masculinity: What Happens When Being Blinded By Your Shadow

Shadow  Dancing

My shadow is about wanting to be accepted. Primarily for my version of queer masculinity. And the fear is that I’ll be seen as less-than.

I fear others’ perception of what queer masculinity is. And I fear the rejection of what queer masculinity is. Being accepted is important to me. I never really acknowledged that before. I knew it, but never really accepted that I want to be accepted. 

Masculinity With a Mirror

Being Different

I see that I still harbor some challenges around my sister being so at ease with other people. She never had to worry about how she was perceived. She just was. 

To have a twin that can navigate the same world you’re in with simplicity, grace, and humor is tough. She could easily relate to other family members. Especially those that I didn’t know if I could trust, as most children display mistrust, but this was family, why did I hold back?

She could also easily connect with other kids. I constantly felt judged. As if I was viewed differently. And I new I was different from about six years old. 

And different was somehow not good. 

Disappointment Creates Withdrawal

Too add to that, when we celebrated birthdays, it was clearly easy (to me) for people to buy girl things for her. And the boy things they bought for me were, well, I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t want to go play with guns and cars, even when they were Nerf and mini metal toys. 

What I loved was being outside and cooking, and painting, and creating, and teaching, And camping, and performing, and being in a spotlight. I wanted to be recognized for what I was good at. People kept trying to force me to be a version of myself that wasn’t authentic.

Was that queer masculinity?

It was a version of me the world expected. Those two things never aligned. Those experiences always caused disappointment because I never felt seen. And so I withdrew to avoid the constant disappointment.

My Grandmother & Extended FAmily CreateD Glimpses

My grandmother saw me. She helped me paint. She let me cook with her.

My mother took me to my sister’s dance classes. When I started to participate on the side I was enrolled In my own class. And it was glorious onstage. It was scary off.

I remember performing and being recognized as a really good dancer. I skipped years ahead. And then I was put in advanced classes.

When I graduated from high school, a family friend gave me the Broadway cast recording of Cats. It was an unspoken acknowledgement, accepting it made me sweat when others asked what it was, and I was so freaking excited to have it.

These were moments where I had a glimpse of my shadow not controlling my actions. We were working in concert. I wasn’t blinded by my shadow. We were one.

Queer Masculinity & The Pacific Northwest

That moment with the CD is a perfectly encapsulated shadow moment. There was fear of being gay. I was certainly scared of being seen as queer. Of course I was frightened of being seen as feminine.

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. It is an unforgiving place. You survive or you die. Survival is associated with masculinity. The feminine must be protected, i.e. it is weak.

In the PNW we drive on ice in the mountains with ravines gaping like wide mouths. We hike on the edges of rocky jagged cliffs over looking the ocean. We play in the woods next to bear, wolves, and other predators. Our rivers are our pools and yet they will carry us away never to be seen again. The Pacific must be respected at all times or it will claim you as her own. 

If you’re not tough you won’t survive. If you’re weak you won’t survive. My shadow ensured that being a queer person never equated with masculinity or strength.

Awareness of Sexuality

Oh, Shit, I’m Gay

To top it off, I was realizing my own sexuality, because queers all have a moment. We all have a moment when we realize that we don’t see the opposite sex the same way. Or that we are attracted to the same sex. Or both happen and WTF do we do now?

So I was realizing this and doing my best to deny it. Every gay person I saw on TV is a fop. Every dandy is depressed. All gay men are getting sick. And there is a gay disease that killed you. If I was gay I was clearly going to die. Horribly and alone. 

No one in the world seemed to care. No one but Liz Taylor. And then I saw the courage of Rock Hudson at a press conference. But no one talked about how the disease was contracted. Only that gay people got it. So if you were gay you were as good as dead.

How Do I Not Be Gay

Then a scoutmaster that I trusted and respected propositioned me. I was torn. Do I trust this pedophile? I wondered if this is who I was supposed to be. Now I know I was preyed on. I was a target. 

Similarly, the other guys I grew up with were aware I was not the same. I didn’t go hunting. I wasn’t hanging out on a logging road drinking Keystone and loosing a weekend. And I wasn’t dating.

My sense of masculinity required that I have a girlfriend. So I got one. Two outcasts looking for something. We understood each other. Mostly. We had similar interests and didn’t fit into the world we were born into.

Feeding & Healing The Shadow

Some Tarot

So the survival instinct was to feed the shadow. To let the insecurity of not being masculine enough and being too queer, too gay, reign. That shadow is still sewn to the bottom of my feet. And she’s probably clutching my back as I offer to carry her around. 

So I asked the shadow how I can help her heal. When I speak to entities that are not physically in this realm, I use tarot. And I pulled the two of wands.

The two of wands indicates that I need to choose to help her In a new way instead of continuously feeding her. I equate this to when I had to make a choice about letting my cousin stay with me or turn her away. The decision to turn her away was saving both of us from each other being destructive to ourselves and each other. Ultimately it was the right choice. 

This time, I think my shadow and I are destructive when we’re apart. I going to try and let in this shadow. I want to be aware of when she’s rearing her head and decide if her fear is my fear. Think the Great Conjunction.

“What was sundered and undone shall be whole, the two made one.”

Aughra, The Dark Crystal

Some Skrying

I did a bit of scrying here to ask what else I need to know about my shadow. A cattle skull is strong image. For me, it’s the transformation of one thing to another. It’s the reminants of something that once was holding on rather than releasing itself. Why hold on to this part of my past when I’ve let go of so many other things?

Then a horse head. One that’s alive. There’s work to do, but I’ve got to drive it. Patience will be required. Working with this shadow is like working with a horse that isn’t broken. To get a bridle on her, we need to learn to work together.