My Coming Out Story: What It’s Really Like

What’s It Like Before Coming Out?

Before I came out I remember being really angry. Always angry. 

Before I came out I remember being alone. Very alone.

Before I came out I remember being a disappointment. Always disappointing.

Before I came out I remember trying on other people’s expectations. Always striving.

Before I came out I remember scrutinizing behavior. And judging. 

Before I came out I remember analyzing behavior. And mimicking.

Before I came out I remember feeling watched. And squirming.

Before I came out I remember feeling like there was a straight mafia. And that they would kill me.

Before I came out I remember wishing on a star for something better. But I can’t remember what it was.

Before I came out I remember hearing every word. And FAGGOT was the loudest.

Before I came out I’d survived three of countless suicides. And I resolved I wouldn’t take that road.

Before I came out I loved Robert. But I didn’t have the words or role models.

Before I came out I had my first kiss with a boy at 7 and it felt like the most natural moment in the world. Until the world told me differently.

Before I came out I didn’t have a best friend. I had aquaintences.  

It’s very lonely before coming out. So desperately lonely. Especially when no one knows you but everyone looks at you as if they do.

What’s It Like To Come Out?

As I’m packing dishes with my mother to move out of my first apartment she says, “Are you sleeping with that boy?”

The world stops. There’s a rush of blood to my face. I hear a deafening explosion of silence in seconds. Then the consequences of my actions over the last year flash before my eyes. I see changes in my relationships following my answer play out in milliseconds. And the risk of losing everything for my truth is present right here, right now. 

As I raise my head I look her directly in the eyes.

“Yes.”

And I put the newspaper wrapped dish in the box next to the one she just placed there.

While we finish packing we talk about my father. We discuss my next steps. My expectations are laid out about how I plan to manage this situation. And I ask her to not tell my father. Because that’s my job.

For me, coming out fundamentally shifted my place in the world. It changed my responsibility to everyone around me. And it allowed Me to be.

Coming Out And Becoming A Man

Every son has to reconcile his relationship with his father more than once. I believe there are three moments that are distinct. And I liken this to the stages of maiden, mother, crone. 

Maiden

Before I came out to my father, my twin sister had her own coming out party. She announced her pregnancy and eventual marriage to her long time boyfriend. To this day I swore my father said something disparaging about her.

I stood up and advocated for my sister. It was the first time I’d ever stood up to my father about anything. I was shaking. And our relationship changed after that. 

Mother

When I came home with the intent to come out to my father a couple years later I was nervous as hell. My mother called to let me know she had told him why I was coming home so he was prepared for the conversation. If you remember, I had asked her not to do that very thing.

My father was late getting home. So I had to wait. Knowing I’d see him coming in the door seeing his gay son sitting in the house.

He came in, put his coat in the closet, and walked past me toward the kitchen. He spoke, “Let’s go out on the porch.” And I grabbed my cigarettes and followed.

Referring to my sister a few years earlier, I joked that he didn’t have to worry about any surprise grandchildren. Somberly, he told me that’s what he was worried about. I’m the first born son. How would the name carry on with just my brother to rely on.

His comments were surface at the time. But as a first born son himself, I realize the legacy and responsibility he was struggling to find the words for. After my brother married, he had a daughter. And so we are the end of a name.

Crone

I have yet to know what reconciliation this part of my life will entail. But I hope it’s living the lessons I’ve learned from all of the men who’ve played the role of father in my life, including the one who brought me here. 

Denying Coming Out

If you chose to deny living your truth you’re depriving so many of the best of you. There’s already so much hatred in the world. If you can approach loving others enough to love yourself, we’ll all be a lot better off. 

In the end, will you look back at all the wasted time? Or will you and your chosen family celebrate your legacy?

The Coming Out Journey

Coming out gets easier the more you do it. You learn how to assess the situation. You learn to analyze your environment. Your intuition senses safety and motivation. And you quickly weigh the consequences.

Coming out is a journey that never ends. But it has so many rewards on the other side.

One reward for me? My parents attended my wedding in person. And they witnessed my life in love.