To survive as a gay person today, joy must be present.
Gay joy is different for everyone. When I think of moments of joy I remember so many things. All retrospective.
- Tap shoes and a gold sequined vest with matching top hat
- Christmas morning and opening the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine
- Cruising in British Columbia and meeting a corn-fed guy from Iowa
- Laughing while having someone help me pee because it was my first time in drag and my nails couldn’t get the stockings down
- The indescribable experience of my nephew being born
- Getting married with family present
Were they all gay joy? Or just life experiences of a gay man? Gay men have a complicated relationship with joy.
Diva Joy
Bette brings me gay joy. So gay. I loved Bette Midler before I knew she loved me.
And I knew I was going to see “For The Boys” when it came out. The music, the time period, her brassiness. I was here for all of it.
Back then I wanted to be an actor. And after watching the intense performance from James Caan in the movie I was afraid I’d amount to shallow nothingness. His character expressed those fears and I related. Intensely.
Shallowness was everything I wanted to avoid. I was scared I wouldn’t have an impact on the world around me. It was scary to think that I would lead a meaningless life.
The 90’s – Joy Division
When I was on the verge of my 20’s I felt like I wasn’t going to find (and that I wasn’t meant to) find any gay joy. I was afraid of calling myself what I knew I was. All the gay men in the news were dying from AIDS, which we assumed was a gay disease, just for being gay.
I’d been through multiple friends and family suicides at this time. Little did I know that there would be more of those to come. And those were a result of my lovers, boyfriends, and friends, my community, not being able to see the joy in their lives.
Taking Action For Gay Joy
I started seeing a darker perspective. I couldn’t see my place beyond twink-dom. (Someone else had given me that label) Then got to be a part of art that challenged perception.
Sometimes it was being a part of theatre that challenged the norm. Other times it was leaning into gay and queer artists like Tom of Finland or Mapplethorpe. And a Pollock will still have me lost for hours.
Anyway, I started seeking out and creating experiences that encouraged people to think and reflect on their feelings and preconceived notions. From then on I made a choice that I was about ‘the why’ and creating transformation. Not just for others but also for myself.
Tarot transformations for queer people is a lifelong passion to ensure survival. And there is gay joy in all of it. Seeking out and engaging with community to receive advice and support, all the things, keeps you alive. Tarot is important because it helps us connect to something greater. We connect more deeply with each other.
So what’s your version of joy?