Trauma, Micro Aggressions, and Shame – Oh My!
Childhood trauma is a bitch.
This isn’t the kind of trauma that comes with a gaping bloody wound. But the internal scars from our experiences with family are there forever. I’ll never forget my little brother falling into a river when he was about three. My dad ran the riverbed, faster than the current, on rocks as slippery as Gun Oil to catch him. I was frozen in fear at six years old.
Micro aggressions are pervasive.
They start younger than you might think. “Boys don’t cry.” “Those are for girls.” “That’s so gay.”
Shame is powerful
For me, shame came about as a result of the micro aggressions of others. I had wholly rejected the religions of my parents. So that wasn’t a factor in my shame. It was other people who created the circumstances that made me feel humiliated for who I am.
And how was I supposed to use my tap shoes and sequenced top hat to live up to the image of my father? Who hunted (and skinned in our garage) the elk that would feed us for the next year. How could I ever measure up to the hero who ran a river bed to save his son when I looked to other men to rescue me?
Separation From Family
At some point or another you leave the nest. Whether it’s because you were forced out of the home and family that was meant to give you safety, security, and love or you chose to leave. You find yourself physically alone.
And at a pivotal time when you need family the most you’re on your own. Freedom of choice beckons. Fear of the unknown is paralyzing. And like my father in that riverbed, you start chasing something to save without knowing what it is.
I receive a lot of questions about family. So I wondered how tarot would tap into strengthening your relationship with family. If you wanted to explore walking through that door, beyond the specifics of your situation (that would take an appointment!), how could you?
Reconnecting With Family
How can you have a stronger relationship with family? I drew the 6 Pentacles, Herald of Swords, and the Magician. Here’s the advice that followed.
Independence gives the benefit of perspective
There is something to the ties that bind. Step away and allow distance and time to give you enough time to reflect. You just might find that you recognize your own experiences explain the behaviors that were challenging.
You may also learn that you don’t have to be force fed someone else’s belief system anymore. Sometimes the behaviors that seem the most toxic are truly toxic and you’re not imagining it. Only by stepping away could you see the person beyond the behavior.
Seek understanding
Don’t wait forever to cut the cord if it’s necessary for your survival. A strong relationship can mean no relationship. If the experience is so toxic that it is unhealthy, the strongest relationship you can have with family is stepping away and having none.
Nothing is ever set in stone. Because we all have the power to change you can change your mind about how you engage with family. Understanding where someone is coming from isn’t acceptance of their behavior. It is acknowledgement. Once you understand something, then you can decide what to do next that’s best for you.
You have the power to create a chosen family
Family doesn’t always mean blood family. Sometimes you need to supplement or, if necessary, replace the family you’ve left behind. Create your own chosen family. And yet you’ll always be a product of where you’re from.
The trick is to harness that power to live your life as the best version of yourself.