Our first relationships are never easy. But when youβre exploring what it means to be a queer kid, your first gay boyfriend can be really messed up.
Iβm hoping to give you a little more insight into who I am, where Iβve been, and why I love to bring tarot to my LGBTQ community. It actually all started with the first gay boyfriend I ever had. He introduced me to a tarot reader. But even getting to that point was weird and (in retrospect) not handled the best way.
The Girlfriend
After dating a woman in high school for two-ish years, we were finally seniors and ready to graduate. Remember deciding where to go to college and what you wanted to do with the rest of your life? We were accepted to different colleges and headed in different directions. But we knew we could make it work.
After being in a theatre program for a little while, a girl that I was friends with introduced me to the first gay man Iβd ever met that was my age. I suddenly saw myself in another person. He was cute, comfortable with being gay, and funny.
I was still dating my girlfriend at the time and I didnβt know what to do. In retrospect, this would have been a great time for a tarot reading. I could have explored the outcome of being with him or staying with her.
What I actually did was start sharing more of my time with him than with my girlfriend. It all came to a head when I was at my girlfriendβs house over a holiday break. I got a call from him and I left her to drive an hour away to met his needs.
Things got worse after that.
Fast forward and Iβm not being honest with myself or them. Then we try and solve it all with a threesome. Yup. βCause sex solves everything thatβs already messed up. Not very long after that she and I broke up.
The First Gay Boyfriend
So now Iβm only dating the guy. And it becomes painfully clear that we werenβt meant to be together. And I realize an important lesson. Sex is important but will never sustain a relationship.
What made it worse was that we were staying in his parentβs house. In his bedroom. And we accepted being together. Ugh. First gay boyfriends are hard!
So if we back up a little to when I met the guy, I can fill in a couple gaps that are important.
When I met him I realized that he was interested in me. I also realized I had an opportunity to explore my body and identity. So I took advantage of that. In the end I used him to get experience.
I shouldβve relied on tarot so much more. I could have asked about our compatibility. I could have asked about my next steps to living on my own. I couldβve asked about how to come out to my family and friends. Instead, I buried my head in the sand because I was scared and had no one I could trust.
Lack of Gay Relationship Experience
As teenagers, when you start to realize youβre gay, fear sets in. Every comment or wise crack your dad made comes flooding back and is highlighted. And now youβre not sure if heβll even accept you for who you are. So you date women to make your dad (or both parents) proud of you.
Suddenly youβre learning about how to have a compromised relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Youβre being supported for lying. And youβre not learning how to have a healthy relationship with another guy.
The lessons and boundaries you could learn from your father about how to have a relationship with a man has been stilted. The guidance you could receive from him as you navigated dating other men is missing. And any sexual awareness is regulated to a locker room. (So…naked boys and fantasies but no real guidance.)
Deprivation And Gay RelationshipS
When everyone else (read: CIS heterosexuals) are going through puberty and exploring relationships, the queer kid doesnβt always get to do that. We often explore the wrong type of relationship, as I did, and many donβt get to explore at all.
Not having this queer relationship experience creates a space of sexual deprivation. It creates a hunger to understand and experience that must be resolved. And it happens at unexpected times. For me, it was when I was 19. For others it may be when theyβre 50.
You start dating as an adult without barriers. And when you donβt know what experience youβre looking for or the outcome you want from the relationship it becomes a free fall. Especially if you donβt know where itβs headed.
I think thatβs why so many gay men who have dated women have opposite sex relationships that end poorly. From my perspective, the girlfriend has always been a safety net. When you start exploring men as a dating pool, she becomes even more so.
The hardest part is that the choices youβre making are going to identify you as something you never expected or hoped to admit. A gay man.
To acknowledge being gay meant that I felt I had lied to myself, my girlfriend, my family, my friends, everyone. It also meant I was going to be outcast. And ultimately, it meant that the relationship I had built, that was supposed to save me (the straight one), couldnβt save me. And thatβs pretty scary.
Unfortunately, that meant that I made poor relationship choices. I strung along my loving girlfriend. I lingered in a toxic relationship with my boyfriend.
The Tarot Reader
Iβd received my first tarot deck when I was 10 and had been playing with it off and on. After I started dating my first boyfriend, I met my first tarot reader. You can read more about her here.
She told me about everything I was going through with my girlfriend. Everything I was experiencing with my boyfriend. All the things I was feeling regarding my own identity. It was incredible. But it left me reeling and overwhelmed. What do I do next?
I also didnβt know enough then to ask her what I should do next. Or how to ask the right questions about the outcomes of my choices. Asking her those questions would have allowed me to explore alternative choices safely. So that I didnβt have to put any other human hearts at risk.
Queer Relationship Retrospective
When I look back I know I made choices that, today, make me feel like a real jerk. I made choices that I still feel bad about. So that I could learn. At the expense of others feelings. I used their emotions and bodies to understand my own identity.
Iβm sure Iβm not the only one. But it feels like I am sometimes. And today I know that tarot could have gotten me to the same place. With less pain for everyone else.
Queer Relationship Hidden Insights Explained
So I share the story above because I want you to know that one of the reasons Iβm a tarot reader is because I have the opportunity to save you from the same painful experiences I put myself and others through. If we work together you can explore, safely, the choices youβd like to make in any relationship. Especially your the relationship you build with your first gay boyfriend.
Tarot can help you understand more about yourself. You can understand the why and outcomes of your actions, or even what actions youβd like to take. Especially when you donβt know the outcomes.
Relationships may feel like theyβre the same on the surface. There are some things that are fundamentally the same. And we may pretend that all relationships are. But theyβre not. Queer relationships are different.
A CIS heterosexual couple is not going to have the same experiences as you will in a relationship with your first gay boyfriend. The way that you navigate the world in a queer relationship is different. We donβt have many examples and we donβt always see ourselves reflected. So weβre making it up as we go.
On top of that, add that youβre presenting a same sex queer relationship in a world that isnβt always accepting you, recognizing the legitimacy of your relationships, or even representing you.
If you havenβt thought about it already, and youβre working through what the next steps are for your queer relationships, please consider getting a tarot reading. Itβs the safe alternative to working out if you should be together or what traits you should be looking for without putting your boyfriend-husband-partner-whatever through the grinder.