For some gay people finding joy is about acceptance through heteronormative assimilation (Think marriage and “we’re just like youâ€). For others it’s about living their queerest gayest fantasy. And for others it’s about bucking every heteronormative trend.
Finding joy can be about challenging expectations. Queer anarchy is a place of power and creativity. You’ve probably done this (un)consciously already.
We’re (Not) Just Like You
Finding joy as a gay man is proclaiming and rejecting society’s sexual norms and heteronormative rules of position and gender expectation. Forcing the structure of top or bottom or monogamy or “who cooks” is a definition from another playbook and another generation. It’s a way for straight people to see themselves in our gayness.
When you apply a nuclear family structure to gay relationships then we’re just like them. Claiming “We’re just like you” was (and still is) fed by gay activists. It has been used for survival during the pinnacle of the threat of HIV/AIDS and even more explicitly during the fight for marriage equality. But for all our similarities we’re not the same.
Happiness Is… Finding Joy and Being Fully Realized
When you’re finding joy you can revel in differences. Happiness is accepting your hedonism as freedom. Instead of the claim that we’re the same as heterosexuals, we should claim our sexuality and let the rest of our choices be informed by our desire for intimate connection.
Essentially, the theme here is ‘it’s my life.’ Then we experience pride. And collectively we experience community.
Finding joy is a constant effort. Pride and community are outgrowths of pursuing and living in a state of joy. We need to more fully realize ourselves. In doing so, we generate a greater capacity for others to do the same.
Are you finding joy? What’s the journey been like?