My twin sister and I are the kind of twins that get along and trust each other. Twins either get along or they don’t. My sister runs up and hugs me every time we see each other. Big hugs. And tells me how much she missed me and how she really needed one of my hugs. I need them just as much.
I believe the more stories we can share the more power we have in our community. This is a story of how even our closest familial relationships are scrutinized when you come out. Spoiler alert: Tarot can help.
Being Separated I Can Only Trust Her
People always ask me what it’s like to be a twin. And I always ask them what it’s like not to be one. ‘Cause it’s always been that way for me. And it will always be.
So here’s what it’s like. My greatest fear is that we’ll be separated. Permanently.
I’ll never forget when we were in kindergarten and the school closed. During the move to another school, we were separated and put in separate classrooms. No one told us this was happening. It just did.
The seperation was traumatic. I was suddenly on my own.
Coming Out
Way fast forward. When I came out and told her I am gay there seemed to be nothing to it. I remember feeling like there was acceptance and that’s all there was to it.
Couple of years later I was at work managing a store for a large video retail chain. She came by with her husband and my nephew. So I took them back to my office for a minute.
She said, “Seth, I finally found a passage in the Bible that makes it ok that you’re gay.†My sister. My twin sister. The only person I thought I could trust.
What I heard in that moment was that she thought I was going to hell. That there was something wrong with me. That she was looking for something to try and fix me. And she found an answer in a passage in the Bible that, to me, she had manipulated to suit her need to make me ok.
In an instant I was livid. I don’t know if she felt it or saw it. Though I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. But my response was, “Oh, I’m so happy for you! Good. That’s great.†Eventually the conversation ended and they were on their way.
Love or Betrayal
But I’ll never forget that day when my sister told me that I was ok. And she had to try and reconcile for herself that her brother couldn’t be this thing, this deamonized thing, this other, that her church and its beliefs had created.
At the time I was so hurt. I’m only now discovering how hard she worked to ensure that I was going to be ok. That this was an act of love.
But at the time it felt like such a betrayal that she would even think I wouldn’t be. How could she even think I wouldn’t be?
Today I Trust And Scrutinize
I don’t know if she still believes it. I don’t know if her mindset has changed. Retrospectively, to hear her tell me that she found something that proved that I was ok as a gay man, her brother, was a tear in the fabric of our relationship. It felt like we’d been separated. I feel like I couldn’t trust her because I felt like she had no faith in me or us.
What I didn’t have then was the ability to reach deeper. I didn’t have the language to ask questions. And I didn’t have the opportunity to reach out to a tarot reader.
I Wish I Had A Trusted Tarot Reader
If I’d had a tarot reader I could have asked more questions and worked through the trust issues. The chance to ask questions about why this was happening or how can I better understand what she’s going through. Even ask how can I have the strength to talk to her about it.
I wish that I’d had a tarot reader to work through it. Not only so I could have worked through it for myself but to also talk to her in a way that’s productive. Instead of just burying that. And maybe I still will.
Your Family Doesn’t Know What You’re Going Through
I don’t want anyone else to have to go through painful experience. I want to provide insight into your relationships. So you don’t have to have that rip in the fabric with your sister.
When a tear in your relationship with your family happens I’m here for you. Your family may be doing their best to be sensitive to where you are. But they may not really know what they’re saying. ‘Cause you’re all navigating a big change together.
Your family also doesn’t know what you’re going through. They don’t know how powerful their words are. They don’t know how deeply members of our queer community scrutinize action and words in order to ensure our own safety, and security, and trust.
So if you’re trying to figure out how to be safe and secure and trust the people in your life, getting a tarot reading is a brilliant idea. That’s why I’m here. To help you better understand the relationships in your life.