I had a great discussion on Twitter Saturday. As we grow and our perspectives change on what’s important, I realized I had changed my views on marriage. And understand why queer marriage is important to me.
And that made me think – how do we keep the queerness in our relationships? What makes my marriage a queer one? Why is it special? So many questions!
Why Do Our Marriages Need To Be Queer?
When I was twenty (and someone I spoke to in the video above is in his 20’s) I felt very strongly that I never wanted to be married. Part of that was knowing I never would be. Part of that was not wanting the same relationships I had seen examples of in my life. Let me explain.
When I say I knew I would never be married I felt two things. Before I came out, I knew I wasn’t going to marry a woman. And in the 1990’s that’s what marriage was. It was a cis-heteronormative institution. I knew I would never be allowed in that club (nor was I going to be a part).
The second thing I felt was that I couldn’t see (and didn’t want) a relationship like the straight relationships I had seen. They were stuck in the 1950’s. There were gender roles that I saw women struggling to break out of. There were gender roles required by men that as I watched them grapple with what it meant to be men in industries that required more machismo than a leather bar.
In my growing queer mind I couldn’t see my relationship. I didn’t have a role model to know if I was the wife or the husband or what I was. And I didn’t have the experience or tools to know I could make my own rules.
Queer Assimilation
So our marriages need to be seen through a queer lens. Our marriages need to be visibly queer. They must be queer because there is no other way.
When a same sex couple or a polyamourous throuple or whatever your queer relationship looks like gets together, we’re making our own rules. There is no roadmap for how things should be. There are no expectations.
I take that back, the expectation is failure. So I say failure because queer marriage is seen as throw away. Like it’s not a real thing. Or it’s a fling. And maybe it’s a passing phase.
For a long time queer advocates have fought for the right to be just like everyone else. (Heteronormative culture) And I think that’s a cultural implication that is the outcome of a lot of queer marriage visibility.
I Am What I Am
The history of queerness is honored in our acknowledgement and respect of those that inadvertently and unapologetically came before us. In most recent history you might think of Stonewall, the leaders who created ACT UP, Keith Herring, Larry Kramer.
Owning our queerness is a way to show that respect. Allowing queerness to be our superpower is heroic. And shining that light so that our marriages are queer marriages is a bold move that invites others into our lives.
Once we make bold moves and be as queer as we can be today, the less others will have to do so tomorrow. The more Harvey Milk was seen without fear in a parade the easier it is for me to walk down the street.
And today, that the governor of Colorado is the first out gay governor with his first husband at his side puts queer marriage front and center. They’re visibly queer. They are honoring their relationship in a public office. This visibility, this “loudness,†creates normalcy for those who come after them. And it creates safety for those who are watching.
Tarot And Queer Marraige
So why is this important? The majority of tarot readings I do are about relationships. Sometimes they’re about work peers. They may be about family members. But more often than not, they’re about meeting “the one.â€
The road we take as queer people to finding our partners is a challenge. It’s harder than our straight counterparts. The bullying, the potential of being disowned, the greater rejection, our religious indoctrination, is all intensified in the elementary and high school experience. Then we go off on our own and it gets even worse.
Our path to love is uniquely and wholly our own. (Remember what I said about no role models? There were less then, but there’s still not a ton now) Our navigation in the world is always through a queer lens whether we acknowledge it or not. So things are already queer. They’re already “different.â€
Since we’re already on a path that is different, has heightened stakes, may have roughly 10% of the population, and comes with a TON of trauma, why not use alternative methods to explore answers and personal insights?
Tarot is a powerful tool to keep the queerness in your marriage. And if you’re looking to get married, no matter what your queer marriage looks like, tarot can help you along the path.