Authentic validation is an important part of our relationships. The other day Steve asked me if I liked the meal he had prepared. (It was a Polish pork rib dish that he loves.)
For me, it was just ok. Knowing this dish was important to him but not wanting to have to continue to eat it regularly I chose my words carefully. “I thought it came out really well. It’s just never been my favorite.” His response was to jokingly question every other meal he had ever made.
The Need For Validation
It wasn’t obvious at the time. His deeper need for validation. But after reflecting the behavior is a pattern. It’s not a need for self validation but rather external validation.
And that made me question my own need of validation. My need seems low. But I see the desire to have it. So why is it so low? Steve’s great at validating me naturally.
He validates me by saying something like, “Thanks for making dinner, it turned out really good.” Or I recognize being validated by being needed for what I can contribute to our partnership.
So why, then, is Steve’s need so high? I’m not great at validating him. His meals are always great. (Well, 99% of the time!) At some point I told him that he’s a great cook and that his meals are always good.
I must have mentally wiped my hands and thought I’d covered the next 20 years. But that inner queer kid inside of him still needs to know that he’s doing the right thing. And more than that, I should be acknowledging the right thing that needs validation.
Authentic validation is absolutely necessary for the development of a strong sense of self. Without it, the self does not develop properly. Further, authentic validation inoculates us from the ravages of shame. If we are receiving adequate amounts of authentic validation, then shameful comments or feelings simply have little impact on us.
The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs
So while the validation of a meal is important in our day to day experience, it isn’t the true validation he’s seeking. It isn’t the deeper authenticity that needs to be addressed. His love, his character, his sense of self each need greater validation.
Behind The Need For Validation
Steve’s body has been going through some significant neuropathic and arthritic changes for many years. And as of last June this physical onslaught has increased speed of onset, intensity of pain, and research for treatment. You might imagine the frustration but without chronic pain I assure you that you can’t imagine the full experience.
A consequence of this is that he’s not able to physically care for his aging mother as often as he used to or in the manner he’d like. He still feels as if he’s letting her down. Even though more able bodied brothers have been called in as reinforcements. And that’s creating an additional vacuum of validation. Normally he’d be praised for taking care of her and that’s now missing and he feels guilty. He feels like he’s not doing the right thing.
Providing The Right Validation
As the partner of someone who’s going through such a dramatic shift, I’m recognizing that validation is as important as ever. Because there is so little within his control, that which is capable of receiving validation is in need. Especially when the trials, pain, and struggle seem to be winning the validation war of attention.
So as I watch him getting down three stairs to go for a walk outdoors I try to remember that validating the act of getting down the stairs isn’t the good feeling he’s looking for. It’s a minor win that reminds him how much he can no longer do because it’s still a painful struggle. But the validation of telling him how much I love the time we spend together on our walks reminds him that he’s important to me. And that our time together is valuable. No matter how it’s spent.