Internalized Homophobia Is Always Hidden
My first long term relationship ended because of internalized homophobia. It was 1990-something around Christmas time and we were living together on Gay street in Portland, OR. Really.
He had spent most of the day at the tavern we liked to frequent. And when he came home, drunk again, he was seemingly in a good mood. But mood swings were common and it was a matter of time before this one changed.
I was sitting on the floor and he was on the couch behind me. I made a snarky comment in response to something he said and the next thing I knew I was hit hard enough from behind that I doubled over.
More Contributing Factors to Internalized Homophobia
His alcoholism was a result of internalized homophobia. But that wasn’t everything. There’s so many factors that I can call out. Here’s a few:
- HIV/AIDS created a fear based stigma that caused many 90’s baby queers to not want to be perceived as gay. Because it only served to further alienate us from our friends, families, and the fear of being ostracized from anyone else. Including the medical professionals who could save our surly doomed lives.
- Every Sunday (and evening news broadcast) there was another pastor, preacher, Exodus member, Family Research Council expert, etc. that was condemning gays and lesbians. And they reminded us how we are terrible, awful people that can be changed if only we truly wanted it.
- And the societal micro-aggressions like “smear-the-queer,” “That’s so gay,” and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, furthered the sense of shame subconsciously.
Sexual Stigma & Unrealistic Ways of Being
When you carry these experiences into a relationship and couple them with the desire to be accepted and loved you create unrealistic ways of being. Not only for ourselves but also the expectations we put on our partners.
When you create these expectations for yourself it can manifest through actions and language. The most obvious example is on a dating profile when you see something like “no femmes.” Or, “If I wanted to date a woman I wouldn’t be gay.”
This language isn’t only toxic to the queer community surrounding you. It’s toxic to the straight community who perpetuate it. And it’s a death sentence to those who try to achieve it.
Stigma & Homophobia Are Killers
Once I was able to reflect on that abusive relationship I realized we both had this internalized sexual stigma that was eating at us in different ways. I wanted to be with someone who could be respected by the ultra-masculine men in my family. He wanted to be as straight-acting as possible. And I’ll never know why.
Because that drive to be as masculine as he could be killed him. After I left his drinking got worse. Years of abuse eventually saw a diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver. And one day I got the call that he had died alone at the bottom of the stairs in the house we had purchased to live happily ever after on Gay street.
How Tarot Fits In
Internalized homophobia can show up in your tarot reading. It often shows up as coded language that we both have to watch out for. The words tend to be delivered through my comments on behavior or attitude. It can also appear if I bring up those who have passed that may have exhibited homophobic behaviors (phrases they said may even come out of my mouth).
It also often appears in how you think about your relationship. And sometimes how you feel. Rarely does it show in how you speak or desire. For example, a reading could show that you think your husband needs to change the way they speak or act. Or that you feel uncomfortable with them in public.
When internalized homophobia does show in a reading it’s more often an underlying influence or root cause of surface issues. That’s another thing that we have to watch out for it in a reading. That shit I sneaky. And if we’re only looking at the surface stuff, you’ll miss the clarity that can get you a more fulfilling relationship.
How has internalized homophobia impacted your relationships?