Parents And Others Expectations
People pleasing is embedded in gay men very early. The first gay men I was directly exposed to were a pedophile (who was actively stalking me) and an actor in community theatre. The pedophile was arrested and the actor died within a year of AIDS related pneumonia.
I resolved that I couldn’t be gay because the alternative was death and prison. And I was a “good person” who didn’t deserve either. This resolution wasn’t a choice I made on my own. It was born out of expectations and behaviors that were taught to me.
My resolution was an act that was based in pleasing my parents and the community I was a part of. I even went so far as to tell my mother that I’d never be married. This way I couldn’t disappoint. So I removed queerness and marriage because I couldn’t excel at them. In doing so I only created avenues that I could be praised and accepted for.
Your Choice Of Partner
Of course your choice of partner is subject to the same scrutiny that people pleasing requires. Even after coming out your choice of partner is influenced by your experiences and trying to meet the subconscious expectations of your parents and loved ones.
I mean, why do gay men marry “our fathers?” Is it to receive the love and acceptance you’ve always craved? Or maybe to maintain the safe relationship experiences you know. Rather than exploring a relationship with new expectations that may have greater benefit to your personal growth.
The repressed homophobia and commitment to heteronormativity in a choice of partner influences how you think about relationships. And it certainly reinforces the need to be people pleasing.
People Pleasing For Your Partner
I push down my emotions and my husband releases them. I was taught they’re not useful to survive. He lived by showing his.
What’s different between us is that by holding back how I feel I’m trying to create circumstances that are acceptable. In essence, I’m people pleasing by not acknowledging my emotional state and elevating the importance of his emotions.
Knowing my husband has allowed me to see that having access to your emotional state doesn’t alienate others. And it doesn’t preclude you from being a great partner.
So, the more in touch you are with your emotions, the greater the opportunity to be the best partner you can be. And that removes the people pleasing behavior.
Tarot Insights on People Pleasing
People pleasing is a theme that comes up in my readings often. You might default to:
- Thinking that men don’t have feelings because you were told we don’t
- Thinking that we don’t have the luxury or time for feelings because society doesn’t value them
- Feelings don’t resolve problems or get you the outcomes you’re looking for
- Focusing on thinking about clarifying the problem creates a clearer path to achievement
I tend to see people pleasing show up in tarot readings as a behavior or desire to be fulfilled. When it does, it may appear as congruent or incongruent with how you’re thinking , speaking, and feeling. In the former, it’s a deeply embedded behavior. For the later, it shows as changing behavior.
In either case, congruent or not, people pleasing can be a topic of discussion during your reading. You may want to explore why people pleasing is a part of your relationship. I.e., what’s the history behind the behavior. Or you may choose to discuss what actions you can take to release the behavior.