Internalized homophobia is one of the most challenging parts of being a gay man. You’re wracked with moments where you question if you’re going to be clocked. Like when that Evita album cover comes up on your iPhone while you’re really feeling “A New Argentina” in your earphones and you realize that anyone around you can see your phone.
It’s like those dreams where you’re naked. Panic sinks in. Are you safe? Who’s going to call you a faggot now? Will you need to defend yourself? Is there a way out of the physical space you’re in?
Then you remember that you’re not in high school and no one cares. “A new world’s about to begin!” But has it really?
I Am What I Am
For many tarot readers, myself included, this is the same experience we have when tarot comes up in a conversation. “Oh, did you know that Seth does tarot?” Then my immediate first reaction is, “Shit!” instead of “Yes I do!”
So I don’t think that tarot reading makes you any less of a man. I think it initiates us into our true selves. I think it creates more well rounded men than a world without tarot.
And for gay men, stepping out with tarot is one more opportunity for the straight world to clock you. And that creates fear. Because tarot is traditionally associated with women, spiritual freedom, and being in touch with something other than a car, it’s automatically not masculine in a binary world.
That means not only have you triggered your own internalized homophobia, but you’ve also triggered your own misogyny. And you’re probably not equipped to even deal with all that smacking you in the face. No matter your kink.
Drop The Internalized Homophobia
I met Theresa, The Tarot Lady, recently. Before heading to lunch we stopped at a gift shop. Then, after making her purchase, Theresa asked if a specific person was in the store (she wasn’t). “Tell her The Tarot Lady was here!” she rang out and waved as we walked to the door.
There are things you can do get to that level of openness.
- Create the environment that ensures your safety
- Focus on the benefit of living for that state of being
- Decide if you can live with what’s at stake
That moment with Theresa is burned in my memory. In that moment there was no reticence or restraint. Surprisingly, to me, no fear. No tell tale drop in volume or mumbling. I think a lot of us want that kind of freedom in our lives. I know I do.