Boundaries have always been important. But in the time of social distancing, working from home, and limited social engagement, boundaries have reared. The need for them has increased. And we’re left to discover our own rules as queer people
Setting The Boundary Stage
If you haven’t joined a group chat hosted by Rick Clemons, The Coming Out Coach, I highly recommend signing up. He leads chats for gay identifying men on Mondays. Boundaries was a large part of the last discussion.
So that got me to thinking about how boundaries show up in our lives. Your parents create boundaries from a young age. They tell you what’s right or wrong.
You may recall them yelling, “HOT!” Very quickly setting a boundary for the flame on the stove top. Or an exasperated, “Stop ‘not touching’ your sister.” And those old favorites, “do you have a girlfriend?” At five years old you learn that talking to someone of the opposite sex intimates a relationship (implying a sexual connotation that you don’t even understand yet). And I don’t think I can remember how many times I heard, “you can’t wear that, those are girls shoes.”
Reinforcing And Setting Boundaries
Then your teenage years set in and everyone is very happy to create even more boundaries for you. You’ve already learned that anything effeminate is a big no-no. Having a vocabulary is a sure sign of otherness. And seeking out the theatre kids only leads down one path. A big yellow brick road.
Now it’s time to protect yourself. When your parents or friends constantly tell you (or make you feel) as if everything you do (or feel) is wrong, you start to create boundaries. So you tell everyone, including yourself, that you’re not gay. And provide reasons. There’s fact to back you up! You might even have gone so far as to get your own girlfriend. (You couldn’t even grow a beard and yet you found one anyway.)
Meanwhile, all the invisible boundaries are digging at your insides. You have those spiritual questions about heaven and hell. You fear your parents will disown you and kick you out of the house. And slowly you start closing off and shutting down.
Seven Types of Boundaries
I started digging around for a set of boundaries that some expert out there may have already identified. And thanks to amazing search engines, would you believe it, I did. 7 Types of Boundaries from PsychCentral. And not surprisingly, they line up with the queer experience. Here they are in no particular order:
- Physical
- Sexual
- Emotional/Mental
- Spiritual/Religious
- Time
- Financial/Material
- Non-Negotiable
Fast forward to 2020. A global pandemic is in full swing. Officials are asking you to social distance at least six feet from strangers, friends, and your family (Chosen and familial).
Physical
If you’re in a position of privilege you’re probably watching everything you deserve being taken away from you. Feeling like this hoax of a virus is controlling you and your every movement. Event the coming vaccine is probably a way to further constrict and control you.
When COVID-19 directly affects you then you fear for the safety of those you love. The virus most likely whisked away someone you love. And your chance to say goodbye was stolen. This virus is controlling you and your every movement. A vaccine on the horizon seems like the signal for freedom.
The pandemic has further removed us from each other. An app tells us we are in proximity of each other all the time. And officials tell us we can’t be. Our existing queer spaces are closed or lost forever. We’re creating chosen family “bubbles.” And virtual spaces may only somewhat fulfill the connection we long for.
Sexual
For those who lived through the traumatizing years of the HIV/AIDS pandemic at its height, we watched our community be decimated. We learned that sex could be something greater than penetration. And we evolved sexually.
This pandemic is asking us to have even greater awareness. When you’re a part of a community that is so closely aligned with sexual freedom, to have it restricted is like watching an abused puppy not want to leave it’s shelter pen.
And for some, you may just want to break out and touch someone. To leave an apartment that is just you. Or only you and your partner. Others have asked you to repress your sexual being for so long. Now that’s challenged again with an ever present boundary. The fear of your own death.
Still, you can be tested. You have the wherewithal to communicate with your partners about your safety and theirs. And you have the opportunity to say no as much as you have the ability to say yes.
Emotional & Mental
There’s a lot of different directions to take this boundary. But I want to address the ongoing social and civil unrest. To the other white CIS gays out there who have taken this time to insulate yourselves to an even more homogenous group that assumes its own immunity, you’re a part of the problem.
As yourself if you have ever chosen to prioritize your comfort or vanity while completely disregarding the public safety of our queer community and family. Taking up space without a mask creates an emotional and mental boundary for those who view your privilege. And not only is it physically exclusionary, it’s irresponsible and furthers the racial divide.
If our parents set the majority of our emotional and mental boundaries in the past, it’s up to use to reimagine and instill the invitation to eliminate those boundaries. Line up the physical and sexual boundaries and the emotional and mental will start to follow. Why, because empathy now has a pathway.
I’m not here to justify the trauma olympics. But I will ask that you recognize the emotional labor, the traumatic experiences for people of color, and the systemic racism that you perpetuate. 80’s kid says, “And knowing is half the battle.”
Spiritual And Religious
Not only has the current political climate asked you to reevaluate your religious or spiritual values, many are looking for the same to create a sense of consistency during a very uncomfortable time. Spiritual boundaries protect your right to believe what you want.
There’s been an increase in queer witches lately. The same thing happened in the 90’s. And it’s no surprise. As queer people who identify as part of the fringe, being a witch is anti-establishment. It also creates a sense of community, personal power, and control during a time when each of those experiences are severely lacking.
Time
Many of us continue to look for work in an environment that is challenging. And your companies are asking you to work from home. The boundaries between when you’re “on” and when you’re “off” have been blurred. That blurred line is exacerbated even further because of the reach of technology.
As young gay men you counter the “badness” of being gay and disappointing your families by developing a pleaser type of persona. This pleaser persona is very available to dismissing time boundaries that would protect your mental health. And once the boundary of professional time bleeds into personal time, all the previous boundaries that create a self-care system can be rendered inert.
Financial And Material
These boundaries hit home for this Taurus. When the things that I have earned are disturbed or misplaced I get pretty uncomfortable. And in a time where officials continue to disturb everything we think of as accessible to us, it can be anxiety producing.
Non-Negotiable Boundaries
The non-negotiable boundaries are the deal breakers. There’s been a lot of talk about what’s non-negotiable amongst gay men lately. And when you get to the point of calling your profile promoting systemic racism a preference you’ve overstepped.
Non-Negotiable boundaries are personal deal breakers. For example, you go to a friends house. You both remove your masks. After he hugs you and and pours your drinks he tells you that he was exposed to COVID-19. If he violated your boundary of personal safety and open communication then you have to decide what to do next.
Queer Boundaries
Our boundaries are very personal. Following the above, at the very least, create a personal code (set of values?) that can address the current environment. Even setting a few can generate stronger and healthier relationships within our chosen family. And just imagine how implementing those few can lift our entire queer community.